I don’t hate you, though.
Instead I want to thank you.
I want you to imagine this: a girl sitting on her
bedroom floor, dry-heaving, her body convulsing with each failed attempt at silencing
the sobs, banging her fists onto the ground as she tried to make sense of it
all. Now, I want you imagine my face because that girl was me, and I was never
good enough for you. I was constantly coming second to dozens of other girls.
You made me feel completely worthless. You emotionally ruined me.
I don’t hate you, though.
Instead I want to thank you.
Despite it taking me months, I finally realized that
it wasn’t me not being good enough for you, but you not being good enough for
me. These words have resonated with me for some time, and I am constantly
reminding myself that I deserve better than the distorted perception of love
that was handed to me on a tarnished silver platter. I deserve better than
being ignored, I deserve better than being manipulated, and I deserve better
than you.
I know I’m not the same girl that was on my bedroom
floor that night, because I would never give someone complete power over me
where I lost control; complete power over me where I felt I was worthless.
I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask yourself what it was you
ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying on her bedroom floor.
I was consumed by nothing but negativity, and for a
while I thought you were my only source of light. I was drowning and every
single day I woke up and hoped your hand would pull me up to the surface and
save me. I was wrong. That night was the night I realized your hand was never
there to save me, but instead there to push me deeper below the surface. The
only hand I needed was my own.
You were my darkness and it
took me too long to realize this.
I know you’re a good person, but next time you ask
yourself what it was you ever did to me I want you to think of the girl crying
on her bedroom floor. I want you to think of the girl that couldn’t sleep
because the nightmares were worse than reality, which had become her own
personal hell. I want you to think of the girl who couldn’t eat because she had
no appetite from the anxiety caused from thinking she did something wrong. I
want you to think of the girl who hated herself so much she had to force
herself to get up in the morning, only to crawl back into bed hours later. I
want you to think of the girl who had countless silent breakdowns, hoping her
parents wouldn’t hear. I want you to think of all the things you never saw, all
the things you never experienced, all the things that were kept hidden.
And now I want you to think of the person I have
become, and I want you to know that I am thankful for you creating a monster.
I’m no longer a monster, and I no longer have to force happiness. No more do I
have to seek validation from others that I am worthy. I am thankful you were a
part of my life, because you became the best & worst thing to happen to me.
I do hope you’re happy, and just know I don’t regret
you. I would never wish for you to experience the same hell as me, I just wish
you the same happiness that I can finally experience every day. Thank you for
engulfing me in darkness, thank you for helping me grow, and thank you for
pushing me further below the surface. Too
many great things have come from that darkness. Too many great things have come
from you.
I think everybody should read this. Have a nice day x.
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